When aliens from planet Zarkon attack Earth, instantly grinding our
military industrial complex into a fine powder before methodically
converting humanity into a highly viscous, slightly spicy aquamarine
condiment, will you be ready?

I don’t mean ready to fight back -- let Tom Cruise, Will Smith and
Sigourney Weaver earn their Oscar gift bags as usual -- but rather, are
you ready to keep your Digital Slob lifestyle on life support after
common necessities like McDonald’s, fuel and the Dish Network’s
“America’s Everything Pak” go on an extended national-emergency hiatus?

Don’t be caught cowering in a closet, starving and immobile with
nothing to cling to other than a blank iPod screen. Rather, rise to the
occasion like any self-respecting Digital Slob by cowering in comfort
and ease with post-disaster tools like these:

Microfueler (efuel100.com, $5,000-$7,000): When the world is controlled
by giant extraterrestrial insects, going to the EZ-Mart to fill up your
SUV will be problematic at best. So, now might be a good time to start
distilling your own high-octane home brew.

This ATM-size at-home pump will let you make ethanol-based fuel (which
will run any gas-powered car) for about $1 a gallon. Although it’s
seemingly expensive on the front, pre-alien-invasion end, the
manufacturers claim it can pay for itself in about 18 months once it
hits the market later this year. With a method not unlike using your
common bread maker, you can buy 50-pound bags of sugar-yeast mix, pour
it in and just wait.

Unfortunately, it requires the same basic infrastructure hookups as a
washing machine: power and water. So it might be a good idea to process
and store as much ethanol as possible in a cool, dry place before the
interplanetary stuff hits the fan.

Cheeseburger in a Can (gizmodo.com, $6): After the alien invasion, the
term “fast food” will quickly revert back to meaning anything that
moves faster than you do. So it might be a good idea to stock up on
these hermetically sealed throwbacks to a simpler, more
processed-protein time. Just put one of these cans over an open flame
for a few minutes, and an actual, ready-to-eat burger is but a pop-lid
away from your stomach.

Sure, $6 each for barely edible burgers might seem like a lot in these
waning days of human civilization, but once ETs interrupt the Quarter
Pounder supply chain, they’ll be worth more than their fat content in
gold.

Solio Charger (store.solio.com, $80): iPods, portable video players and
that USB-powered toy pole dancer your buddies got you for your bachelor
party are pretty useless without a power supply, and power is one thing
you can bet aliens will want to keep for themselves.

But with this solar-powered charger, you can keep your tunes, movies
and various seedy memories afloat forever. The Hybrid 1000 comes with
several adapter tips and works with most cell phones, mp3 players and
GPS devices. After a one-hour charge, it offers 15 minutes of
cell-phone talk time or about 40 minutes of music playback, assuming
the Zarkons’ mother ship doesn’t block out the sun

Curt Brandao is the production editor for the Honolulu Star-Bulletin. Learn more about him at digitalslob.com.