The Aspen Skiing Ko. has placed video surveillance cameras in all of its gondola cars, officials have confirmed.
“It was getting out of control ... the illegal activities taking place are at an all-time high and we just can’t have that,” said SkiKo flak Heff Manle.
The SkiKo has a responsibility to its guests to protect them from themselves and others, he added. And rising insurance costs also were a factor.
“This isn’t just about clean living and skiing, it’s also about money,” said SkiKo CEO Mike Straplan.
SkiKo had considered mandatory drug testing as a prerequisite to ride the gondola, but the cameras proved more cost effective, Straplan added.
The move has outraged the bro-brah community, as well as the crotchety and strung-out old-school ski bum establishment, whose liberal way of living dates back to when Aspen became “cool.”
“To do this is a violation of our Fourth Amendment rights,” said ski bum Rad Spectrum. “I am outraged.”
The company got the idea after the local government installed cameras around its buildings and employee housing to curb crimes against authority.
“Desperate times require desperate measures,” said Mayor Dick Scottland. “The city fully supports this move by SkiKo, and we welcome them to the Big Brother club.”
The cameras were installed this month, and gondola cars both in Aspen and Snowmass are monitored by specially-trained observers, who can arbitrarily determine inappropriate behavior. If a guest is seen doing something questionable, they will be escorted to an undisclosed location at the top of the mountain for interrogation by police.
“I am proud that the SkiKo has made this move because it totally justifies my existence,” said FBI agent Hank Happenstance. “The more surveillance the more people we catch.”
The FBI has confirmed that it is investigating this.
The cameras follow recent anti-fun decisions to curb the drinking at Cloud 9 bistro and canceling on-mountain parties. However, champagne continues to flow like water at the “pop-up” bar on Ajax at $20 a glass.
“Again, it’s about the money,” said Straplan. “And if we can save it or make it, I will back whatever move is necessary.”
This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools' edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.
