The Winter X Games, which have had a home in Aspen since 2002, are headed to Snowmass, ending months of speculating about where they will land next January and infuriating local tourism officials.
While rumors were that Whistle, Canada or Park Shitty, Uhteet would be the next stop for the X Games, it turns out Aspen was snaked by that usurping competing resort in its own backyard.
“They’re gonna regret this,” said SkiKo CEO Mike Strapplan. “I mean, really, who’s gonna go all the way to Blowmass?”
The current contract between Faux Sports, which owns X Games, and Aspen to hold the event at Buttermilf expired after this year’s games. The last year has been filled with posturing, horse trading and secret government meetings as officials considered just how much flesh they were willing to trade to continue the spectacle of passive-aggressive drunken 19-year-olds invading Aspen for four days each year.
Snowmass offered the X Games all the rights to the recently unearthed mastodon discoveries as part of the incentive package, as well as an unlimited supply of undersized Base Village condos.
The “Marley House” will be renamed the “Pot Pit” this year, and will be housed in the massive construction crater at the base of the mountain. Unfinished construction sites also will be used for the Snowboard Street competition.
Stealing the X Games was seen as a major coup for the resort with Colorado’s sickest horizontal terrain.
“Finally, Snowmass has something to hang its hat on,” Husan Shamley, Snowmass marketing coordinator said.
Meanwhile, local Aspen man Damn Willy says that’s still not enough to get him to make the journey to the faraway village of Snowmass.
“That’s unfortunate,” said Willy upon hearing the news of the move. “It’s not that I didn’t like the X Games, but now they’re really dead to me.”
Willy said he will still attend the after parties, assuming they’re held in Aspen.
Unfortunately, since local elected officials can’t get their heads out of their butts, there will be no free bus service between Snowmass and Aspen during the X Games.
The FBI confirmed it is investigating whoever decided to take the X out of Aspen was totally baked at the time or what.
This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools' edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.