The U.S. Chamber of Commerce broke ties with Aspen this week, citing the ski town’s excessive knee-jerk liberalism and sanctimonious lecturing about climate change hoo-hah.
 
“Our affiliation with these crunchy beatniks is not in line with our values as a lobbying arm for multi-national corporations who need to rape and pillage Earth in the name of capitalism,” said U.S. Chamber President Tom Donahue.
 
To determine what it should do about Aspen, the U.S. Chamber polled the 16 anonymous donors who give it $500 zillion annually for the purpose of lobbying against climate science.
 
 The survey asked the donors to rate how insignificant Aspen, Colorado and its piddly $800 membership fee is to the U.S. Chamber. It gave the anonymous members choices of “Totally Insignificant,” “Pretty Friggin Insignificant” and “I Fly My P.J. There to Buy Tanks From Jim frown.”
 
Told that Aspen was planning to hold a retreat this month to meditate on what to do about its complex relationship with the national chamber, Donahue spat and said: “Man, they are pussies. Personally I think the very fact that we were affiliated with them is embarrassing.”
 
Donahue then lit two cigars aflame with a $500 bill and rode away on the U.S. Chamber’s dead baby seal and coal-powered Lobby-Mobile, for a meeting with President Obama.
 
The FBI later confirmed nobody really gives a crap what Aspen thinks.

This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools' edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.