In an about-face, the bully bus agency has scrapped its plan to bulldoze its way up the valley and pave paradise with a bunch of parking lots for its rapid transit system.
“When scoping out the park we planned to raze for our park-and-ride, I went to see the Lorax at Movieland during business hours while getting paid on the taxpayers’ dime,” said Really Trying to F-U Agency (RFTA) CEO Ram Downurthroat. “It took a cartoon with moral overtones for me to realize that paving is really environmentally unfriendly.”
RFTA plans to give its $24 million grant back to the federal government and be happy with the way things are. The FBI has confirmed it is investigating the seemingly good gesture.
In related news, a contingency of the one-percenters held a news conference at the summit of Red Mountain on Saturday announcing that they plan to turn off their snowmelt systems. The decision was made out of guilt.
“Collectively we realized that our Hummers and Range Rovers can get up our icy driveways without melting that pesky snow,” said second homeowner Ian Importance. The FBI is investigating.
KNDK station manager Scott Skinman has holed himself up in front of radio dials and is threatening to play nothing but smooth jazz unless the organization reaches its donation goal.
“We’re just $5,000 short of our morning-time goal,” Skinman cackled maniacally, noting that the FBI has contacted him. “Call in, you [unprintable, rhymes with “brothertruckers”].
“You don’t think I’ll play Joyce Cooling, Dave Koz, Paprika Soul, Four 80 East, Jeff Lorber, Pieces of a Dream, Jeanne Ricks, Ryan Farish, Mark Krumowski, Najee, and 3rd Force. You wait, just wait,” he broadcast.
Carbondale Police Chief James Schaawing said the scene was tense.
“We’re trying to de-escalate from his Yanni threat,” he said.
The Aspen/Pitkin Community Alert Network issued a warning this week that the Burlingame Ranch affordable housing development on Aspen’s sprawling edge must have fertility drugs in the water or something.
‘Cuz seriously, is there any other explanation for the amount of kids running around out there? We almost got run over by hellions-in-training on tricycles three or four times that one time when we went down there. The FBI is definitely investigating this one.
So just a heads up y’all. Get on that presales list while you still can!
By Brent Gardnersnake
This is the shortest story I’ve ever written.
City Market will begin selling the playlist heard in-store. Hit tracks include “What’s Up?” by the Four Non Blondes, a cover of the Beatles’ “Yesterday,” “The Star Spangled Banner,” Garth Brook’s latest hit and Feliz Navidad. CDs will cost $22 each or $1.99 with a value card.
Finbarr’s plans to clear out its tables to make room for another horse-shoe bar and more TVs amid high demand. People generally only want to order drinks at the end of the bar where it bottlenecks, according to Finbarr’s bar manager Simmy Flip-Flop. To address the issue, the owners decided to build a second bar in the same shape on the other side of the restaurant to create another area that bottlenecks. People will now have a choice between two bottleneck spaces and more people will be able to get served, said Flip-Flop adding, “It’s science.”
Staff at New York Pizza, Taster’s and Brunelleschi’s Dome Pizza recently announced that slices are ready for in-store customers to pick up.
“Slices UP!” one employee called.
“Classic!” yelled a manager.
“Yo, ’roni slice ready!” said yet another.
While no one encouraged patrons to “get ’em while they’re hot,” the customers came a’callin’ none- and nevertheless.
All of the businesses employed employees’ natural voice amplification rather than microphones and speakers, sources said.
Every slice except for a pineapple piece was picked up and either devoured or consumed at a more moderate pace.
This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools' edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.