ESPN reported this week that Basalt High School has mysteriously become the top choice for star male athletes across the United States.
 
Eight out of the top 10 basketball recruits in the United States have inexplicably signed letters of intent to transfer to the little-known athletics program.
 
School administrators were baffled as to the rise in attraction to the remote Colorado school, now poised to become a national basketball powerhouse.
 
“All these guys started calling us, asking, ‘Hey, you got a basketball team? I need to get a piece of that!’” said school athletic director Wily ElJeHell. “It’s as if there was some sort of incident that would attract 16-year-old boys to flock here. We can’t explain it.”
 
On Saturday, teen athletes from across the nation were found foaming at the mouth and masturbating compulsively outside of the athletics office.
 
“I packed a bucket of K-Y and rubber gloves because I hear that’s how she rolls,” said star forward Bubba Winston of Monroe, La. “This here Basalt is heaven.”
 
All-American guard Jessup Jackson of Long Beach, Calif. was equally enthusiastic.
 
“I’m gonna get mine in Basalt,” he said. “Gonna get mine teachers’ lounge bathroom styyyle.”
 
Meanwhile, the FBI confirmed it ain’t going anywhere near this sordid tale.

This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools' edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.