I want to take a moment to have a serious conversation, the subject of which we all are predisposed to knowing something about since we are each responsible for producing our fair share. It has been a while since this subject has been broached in the local papers since it usually comes up as the snow melts in the spring and reveals the fact that, like hogs, we literally live in our own slop. I am speaking, of course, about doodie.
There are many kinds of doodie and we usually have the good taste not to speak of it. We know a little about bear doodie and the woods where it reputedly lays, though some of us have found out that a bear will doodie just about anywhere it wants. If you’ve had the misfortune of having been visited by a bear inside your car or home, it is likely to doodie there as, presumably, a way of saying “Hi!” to you much like a calling card.
The most famous doodie is the type that emanates from masculine bovines. Our nation is fed this type of doodie in gigantic helpings. Most of our politicians are full of it, as is much of the population.
However, the one type of doodie that I have the temerity to speak of today is the kind generated by our canine friends. Dog doodie is everywhere and has been for years. Before leash laws and animal control officers, mangy curs roamed the dirt streets of Aspen leaving their doodie anywhere they felt like. It was doggie anarchy.
Luckily, our forefathers were smart enough to put laws in effect to force dog owners to control their canine charges. For some Libertarian/Republican types out there, this could be a great example of big government gone wild. But for those of us without dogs, the idea of not cleaning your dog’s doodie out of our yards steams our Ray-Bans. It is the irresponsible pet owners out there that cause such laws to be necessary. The wingnuts in the minority who can’t conduct themselves with a modicum of respect for civilized society are the reason we have so many laws.
Aspen would be stuffed with dog doodie if not for the cool new way we have devised to clean it up. Even though we have outlawed plastic bags in our markets, they are routinely handed out at trailheads for people to wear at the end of their arms. I can’t imagine how wonderful it must be to place that plastic bag on your hand to pick up the warm leavings. That is unconditional love for a pet.
However, I am puzzled by some dog owners’ propensity for bagging the dog’s doodie and then leaving it behind for everyone to enjoy. I am constantly hiking past these little presents in remote places where no plastic bag should exist. Do you intend to pick it up later? If so, you need to get back out there right now and remove it. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
No one wants to see your bagged dog doodie on the trails. If you aren’t going to exercise your civic doodie by removing it, don’t bag it. Like bear doodie, if it is in the woods, it will biodegrade eventually. However, if you wrap it in plastic, it will remain in the woods for all eternity. Of course, many innocent people will likely step in it, but at least it won’t sit there forever or until someone else picks it up for you.
What I’m about to say is probably not suitable for responsible pet owners to read. You know who you are and I’m not pointing fingers at those who are considerate of the rest of us. I just need to vent because someone has to say it.
Irresponsible dog owners leaving their bagged crap on our trails are self-centered skid marks without an ounce of consideration for anyone but their miserable selves. I have to implore these pests not to procreate because we don’t need any more selfish jerks around. Don’t get another dog because the one you’re taking such poor care of is smarter than you. The next time you pick up a plastic bag at a trailhead with no intent of packing it out, put it over your head. Pick up your shit!
There. Isn’t that better?
Email Johnny at firstname.lastname@example.org.