The world is a scary place these days. Between natural disasters, market crashes, geopolitical instability, and the preponderance of portents and prophecies of doom, death and destruction, the times are certainly uncertain. It appears that dark days are upon us and even the most ardent optimist can’t help but consider if the glass is actually half empty. Some even say that the end is nigh.
However, in an attempt to stave off the snuffing out of our species some folks have started stockpiling supplies. The provisions being piled up run the gamut from guns to gold to generators to green beans. Naturally, as a lover of life and someone who wants to stick around for about as long as possible if not even a little longer, I too have been caught up in the craze. Some time ago I started socking things away into my own little survival stockpile and in the interest of public safety, I thought I’d share some of my secret stashes.
The first thing I started stockpiling was plastic grocery bags. Once free and plentiful, they literally seemed to grow on trees. From sacks for sandwiches, to a place to put my pooch’s poop, I have used them as a place to put almost anything. But these days with all the bag bans, they are harder and harder to come by, and whenever I’m somewhere without a bag ban I always double down and double bag. I store them away like a bushy-tailed squirrel stores away nuts. In a forlorn future, people will praise the plastic bag because its uses are infinite as its life.
After that it was bacon. Fortunately, a few years ago pork producers started selling pre-cooked pieces in boxes. It was as if they sniffed out what was on the horizon and I could not be more thankful. It’s just simple. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world without bacon.
The next thing I’m stocking up on is Velveeta. While some find it easy to hate on this pedestrian product, I don’t. I love it. It is as velvety as its pseudo-Swedish namesake. Velveeta is a superfood. It is like the Twinkie of processed cheeses. It tastes great and lasts forever. Throw in a few pounds of elbow macaroni and you’ve got makings for great mac and cheese for months and months. While others have foolishly wasted their money on gold and silver, those so-called precious metals are unfortunately inedible. So, with its rich, creamy flavor, amazing meltability and refrigerator-free storage, Velveeta will be more precious than any metal in a forlorn future. Velveeta will be a bar of gold wrapped in silver foil.
From there it’s toilet paper. While some may be thinking mainly of food and the supply side of the digestive cycle, there’s also another aspect to consider and it’s pretty important. We Americans have soft undersides and we rely on our toilet paper. We can’t survive without it and when the shit hits the fan you better be sure you’ve got some TP stashed away to do some wiping. With the devaluation of our dollar, toilet paper could become the currency of tomorrow and our money could be TP. Talk about a role reversal. Or is it roll reversal?
Finally, the last thing you definitely want to have an overabundance of is familiar folk. Be they friends or family, the more the merrier. When things go awry you don’t want to get divided and conquered and splintered and die. People do better if they combine their efforts and there is something to be said for safety in numbers. It could be the long lost secret to our survival and we do best when we help each other out.
No matter what you start stockpiling, you better start stacking something up some where safe. Whether it’s the weather, the wantonness of man and woman, or long lost legends, life is likely in some sort of jeopardy. It’s time to stock up.
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