Ah, spring is in the air. A time for rebirth, when a young man’s thoughts turn to powder days followed by Mexican beaches. Well, maybe in the Roaring Fork Valley they do, but in the rest of the world those thoughts turn to love. And what better way to express those feelings than a day set aside for the celebration of love: Valentine’s Day.
Yes, that most commercial of holidays, invented by evil greeting card barons who needed something to keep their businesses humming between Christmas and Mother’s Day (which they also invented). Those card sharks know that when you’re in love every day is Valentine’s Day, but they need your money, or they will disappear. Don’t buy that Valentine’s gift, and watch the one you desire disappear.
Love is a delicate subject to say the least; everyone is looking for Mr. or Miss Right. Too often we end up with Mr. or Miss Wrong. (Watch out for Mrs. Wrong as well.) But still we struggle on knowing that two wrongs won’t make a right. And if you do find the right one, you stand the chance of being left, which can be painful.
Ski resorts are predominantly male oriented. Sure there are plenty of gorgeous ladies around, but the ratio of men to women makes it hard for some to find that special someone. Luckily, you only need to find one. However, when a guy does find Miss Right he needs to walk a thin line. Give too much and run the risk of “smothering” her, give too little and be regarded as a jerk. Walk the line boys, and don’t look down because the fall hurts.
Which somehow brings me back to the subject of Valentine’s Day gifts. One great gift to express that love would be a dozen roses, but I’ll tell you, they’ve been the kiss of death for me. Almost every time I give somebody a dozen long stems they ride off into the sunset and take the vase with them.
Earrings: Kiss your love and $150 good-bye. I don’t know why this is —maybe it has to do with the extra holes in the head that go with them.
Art: Pretty nice gift, but make sure it’s not framed, get a poster or something soft. Nothing hurts worse than a wood-framed litho flying at your head, plus the glass is dangerous to clean up after you regain consciousness.
A card: It’ll make those Hallmark executives happy, but it might not be enough. If you do send only a card, put a gift card in it, it’ll make you look a little better. Plus, you won’t have to think too hard about gift buying — just don’t buy one from Wal-Mart or it’ll make you look like the cheapskate you are.
A tattoo: Not on you, on her. Maybe your name on her ass would be a thoughtful present. It will definitely give her something to remember you by when you break up. On second thought, that’s kind of vicious, and may be a little too ironic of a location for your name.
Condoms: A little bold, but in this day and age it could be considered very thoughtful. Get the flavored kind if you want to pass along any little hints.
Dinner: Now there you go, dinner is something you both can get some use out of. Dinner and a card, and a half dozen roses. A little of everything and not too much of anything. Your chances of still having a girlfriend next week go up with this walk-the-line formula.
Many don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. For them this can be one of the most depressing times of year. All those happy couples holding hands and carrying roses and flavored condoms, while you go home and hug your pillow. Kind of gets you down, but don’t fret, your day is coming. If Lyle Lovett can marry Julia Roberts there’s hope for all mankind.
Still, being alone on Valentine’s Day is kind of sad. So get together with your single friends and hit a movie. Preferably not a love story. Try “Django Unchained” or something like it. He’s having a worse day than you. Enjoy his pain. Get out, have fun, and don’t think about how pathetic your life is. It’s just another bad day; there’s plenty more where this one came from.
I asked a friend what she thought was the worst thing about Valentine’s Day. “The initials,” she replied.
I knew those condoms weren’t such a bad idea.
Email Johnny at email@example.com.