Dear Mrs. Obama and Vice President Biden,
I would like to welcome you to the valley knowing that you could’ve chosen many other vacation destinations for your winter break. There is likely no place you could choose that wouldn’t draw criticism. The bluest county in a blue swing state is your best bet and you’ve found it. Welcome to Pitkin County.
I am penning this open letter because having you guys in town is like having Santa come to your house. I know that Santa, like constitutional protections, doesn’t exist. However, if I could corner him in my living room for a few minutes during his visit maybe I could get some real presents and he could have a Colorado cookie. Taking a cue from the Pitkin County commissioners, I would like to present my own wish list.
While you’re visiting, please take the time to read the full-page ad from Pitkin County concerning oil and gas drilling in the Thompson Divide area. We use gas and oil, but we don’t want to see it produced in our pristine mountains. Our environment is far more important than the cost of oil. If price were an object we concerned ourselves with, we obviously wouldn’t be living in this high-rent district.
Our local congressman even thinks this is a good time to dip a toe in the water of bipartisanship by writing a letter while you are in town. This is actually the first time he’s noticed Aspen is up here since he was fundraising last election. Given his tea party credentials he is likely hoping Barack won’t take him up on “working together.” It’s the kiss of death to embrace the president or compromise with him on policies.
I have a favor to ask. Could you support the city of Aspen when it lectures against businesses leaving their doors open in the winter? We wouldn’t need to frack as much if we’d stop heating the outdoors. If history is any indication, a couple of words from President Obama telling people to close their windows and doors surely won’t be wrongly received. By the way, heated driveways are fine, because those people can afford it.
People by now have to be accustomed to the course that the Obama administration has set our country upon. The tea party has had time to measure the administration’s policies and it now represents the belief system of the largest cadre of obtuse citizens in America. I keep hoping the tea party will realize that most of Obama’s policies are the exact same as when George W. Bush was in office, except harsher. However, they continue on their puerile vendetta against sensible policies like paying for drone strikes on bad guys.
Have you checked out the amazon.com reviews of the toy predator drones? Americans are funny, especially when they twist the knife. If I didn’t know better, I’d think America’s drone policies were unpopular. There are over 200 reviews of these “death from above” replicas and most are able to express the irony of living in a country that has lost its moral compass. This is political satire at its best. Kind of like when Barack says, “May God bless America” when we all know that God has nothing good to say about any of this.
If I order a predator drone toy for a little kid, can I get Barack to sign it? No better collector’s item could be found than a scale replica of the actual weaponry used to bomb other countries’ children to smithereens with the signature of the emperor who has the omnipotent, infallible power to use it at will.
As you might’ve heard, we legalized marijuana in Colorado. That was the cookie I was referring to before. I’m hoping state’s rights will remain sovereign here and the federal government will keep its nose out of our business. Colorado leads the way in progressive thinking. The Mexican cartels will lose $1.4 billion in sales thanks to Colorado and Washington’s stance on prohibition. Hopefully, it will save a few innocent lives.
You can’t imagine how pleased I was to see that Mr. Obama would like to raise the minimum wage to $9 per hour. He’d be happy to know that Aspen’s largest employer, the Aspen Skiing Co., already pays $9 an hour. Some employees even get $10 an hour. If Barack feels that $9 per hour will play in Peoria, it makes Aspenites wonder what should be the suggested minimum wage here. We’d ask you, but we know who is putting you up while you stay here so you probably shouldn’t talk.
I truly wish I could spend an hour or so laying out the issues that I deem important to our country, but it would make no difference. Writing Santa Claus has more chance. However, thanks for providing a symbolic avenue for me to think I’ve been heard.