It’s officially over in local politics for Mayor Prick Scotland, who was unable to find 25 registered Asspen voters willing to sign a petition vouching for the City Council candidacy he floated like a lead balloon.
The mayor, who is mercifully term limited in June after six years of making everybody feel stupid, announced at a press conference at the $18 million city-owned lumberyard that he would be getting his real estate license now.
“I’ve been a journalist, an attorney and a politician,” Scotland said. “The only noble vocation I have yet to take up is dirt pimping.”
The city’s holy charter sets a very low bar for a candidate’s access to the ballot — one must have only lived here one year and turn in a petition with the signatures of 25 registered voters.
Scotland, who has threatened people for months with his intentions to run for council once he can’t be mayor anymore, never thought getting the signatures would be an issue. But he found surprising resistance when he went door to door with his clipboard.
“I guess people have just had enough,” he said. “After six years, I had no idea I had this effect on people. Someone even put up a shrine to Marilyn Marks in the woods on Aspen Mountain.”
The shrine was funded with anonymous campaign contributions of $19.99.
Even supposed supporters deferred when asked if they wanted to see Scotland continue his reign of terror for four more years as a council member.
“I just got tired of him using the City Council meetings as if they were a damn stand-up comedy routine,” said Steve “Dwayne Romero” Skadron, who, like everyone else in town is running to replace Scotland. “He’s not as funny as he thinks he is.”
Noting that he has been lied to constantly as mayor, Scotland said he will know just what to do once he becomes a real estate broker.
This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools’ edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.