The Asspen Police Department has purchased $100 million worth of drones to help take the “guess work” out of community policing.
“We just can’t be everywhere all of the time,” said Police Chief George Carlin. “After hardly any discussion, my bosses in City Hall said ‘why the hell not, maybe you’ll solve a crime.’”
Perhaps not all of them, though. The drones’ capability is limited. For example, it will not be able to correctly identify a suspect from surveillance video at the Belly Up.
“We realize there are things we’ll still have to do and that’s OK, maybe we will and maybe we won’t,” said Detective Chia Pet.
The department will launch the drones in already mapped-out sectors of the city, keeping a watchful eye on each and every citizen 24/7.
There are serious criminals lurking everywhere in Aspen and employing drones is a sure-fire way to round them up, officers have said off the record. Cops envision drones hovering outside your backyard taking a video of you smoking a joint, or something worse.
Much like President Obama’s kill list, Chief Carlin, who announced his candidacy for mayor over the weekend, will have one as well. Although who’s on it is confidential, the Daily Planet has confirmed that Sheriff Dewey DiSalivate is a target.
“What? Why me?” DiSalivate said in dismay, from behind his sunglasses in the oppressive sunshine of his office. “Look, I just say what I feel, what I mean, ya know? I can’t help it. I’m sorry if I offended anyone. Just take me off the list. I can’t deal with that kind of invasion of privacy and it feels very federal government-esque.”
Solving crimes has been on the Shitty Council’s top 1,000 goals list for several years, but it just hasn’t become a reality for a number of circumstances.
City Attorney Jim False has reportedly written a confidential legal memo establishing the charter-bound authority for the drones, and giving the cops the right to suspend habeas corpus at will.
This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools’ edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.