When it comes to skiing, I’ve got issues. My problems have problems. Right now I’m totally depressed because the lifts are about to close. In November I was actually worried that it was never going to snow. I sat there wringing my hands over something I had no control of whatsoever — the weather. I live here to ski, and to ride bikes when the lifts aren’t running. You know what makes me even more depressed? It’s the thought of someday not being excited to ski. I can barely relate to people who live here and don’t ski.
One of the barometers I use to judge the success of my ski season is how many times I have to drive downvalley. Right now I’m having a good season — it’s only been twice, and one of those times was practically at gunpoint, the other I was clearly tricked.
When it comes to skiing I’m mega judgmental. I judge people for the way they ski, where they ski, when they ski and why they ski. I judge them by who they ski with. I judge them by the equipment they ski on. The other day I judged someone by their bindings. It felt awful.
I judge skiers by the brand of clothing they wear, and how they wear it. One of my pet peeves is when people drag the bottoms of their ski pants on the ground and they tear the cuff. It looks absolutely ridiculous. Grow up, and show your personal property and the sport of skiing some respect!
What about snowboarding? Don’t even get me started. The other day I saw a bumper sticker that read: “Snowboarding — It was better when everybody hated us.” Well, guess what? We still do!
Something funny and telling happened at the beginning of the season. I went into a local restaurant and the owner proclaimed excitedly to a packed house that he was only telemarking this year, expecting some kind of enthusiastic reaction from his customer base. Talk about a good way to clear a room. I think I actually heard crickets. And to boot, I haven’t seen him up on the hill telemarking all year. Maybe that bumper sticker I saw this winter is right after all: “Nobody cares that you telemark.” That being said, I did see a guy on telemarks skiing backwards, so that was pretty cool.
While recently driving home from skiing I had the first near-miss of the year with a road biker — as usual riding down the street like he owns the thing. Typical. It’s nice to see natural selection is alive and well. Who needs Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil when we’ve got road bikers? Their over-eager appearance on our scenic local roadways is scientific proof that we’ll be getting tons and tons more snow this spring before the lifts close. Keep it up geeks!
Apparently I’m one of the few people in this town who still has any principles whatsoever left when it comes to road biking. I will not allow myself to do it while there are chairlifts running, ever, under any circumstances. I did, however, make several attempts to get into the spirit of biking.
I went to Carl’s and bought — not stole — a mountain bike magazine, and soon realized that I need to get on the 29er program this summer. I went into my shed and got my trainer out. It was way too dangerous to venture any further into the abyss after my road bike. I looked on the big fancy Internet at new bicycles. Then I rightfully went skiing. The bottom line is that the skiing is just too dang good right now to think of anything but.
Here’s the other thing — you know what happens when all you do is ski? That’s right, you get fat. You may be in the best ski shape of your life, but try putting on your biking clothes. I did and it looked like I was wearing a size youth-large cycling outfit. Not pretty.
My body feels like I have been beaten in a bar brawl from all of the insane spring skiing. The bad news is that there’s only 15 days left in the season, and pretty soon I’ll be out in my back yard staring down the handle of a rake. Looks like it’s time to start getting my bike stuff organized, and slowly start inching my head out of my ass.
Contact Lorenzo at firstname.lastname@example.org.