I’ve always loved them. From the moment I left the womb I wanted to grab them and suckle upon them. It was all I could think about. Left or right, it didn’t matter. And, if the truth must be told, very little has changed in the 30-plus years since the day I was born. In fact, every day that passes, I seem to love them more and more.
As a breast lover, I can only applaud the recent decision by a U.S. federal appeals court. Earlier this week, the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals in Philadelphia threw out the $550,000 fine that had been levied against CBS and its affiliates by the Federal Communications Commission. The fine came in response to the now notorious “wardrobe malfunction” during the 2004 Super Bowl half-time show that featured Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson and a surprise guest. In its decision, the court found that the FCC acted “arbitrarily and capriciously” in levying such a hefty fine for indecency.
The 2004 Super Bowl is quite memorable for me. It fell on my birthday, and I watched it live while on a trip to South Africa. As a New England native and lover of all things American, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Patriots’ Super Bowl victory, on my birthday, halfway around the world. The extremely brief glimpse of what might have been Janet Jackson’s right breast and the ensuing scandal it created were just icing on the cake at that point.
Following the malfunction, which only lasted 9/16 of a second, pairs of breast bashing watchdog groups cried foul and went into full swing. They called Congress. They demanded action. Like cold nipples, they stood up and demanded our attention.
How could this happen? When did the breast start to sag in public opinion? Breasts are beautiful. God loved them so much he made them in sets of two. He even gave men a pair, complete with nipples, even though they serve no biological purpose. Being God, he must have known how much we would love them.
Breasts are the best: They excite us. They soothe us. They embarrass us. They tempt us. They make great pillows. They form an intimate bond between mother and child. They give us vital nutrients as infants. We pierce them and tattoo them. We spend millions to protect them and millions more to surgically enhance them. They fascinate us and at times they even make us angry. But no matter their size or shape, they are beautiful. How can you not love them? Why are they all not free?
How could the so-called malfunction be described as “indecent?” It was planned. It was staged. It was harmless. It was only shown for 9/16 of a second. I didn’t know what I saw and that’s what got people going. Their imaginations ran wild. Planned or not, it worked brilliantly. People went crazy and it stole the show. It’s taken four years to figure this out. How much is this costing the taxpayer? If Timberlake had pulled his shirt off, exposing his right breast for 9/16 of a second, no one would have cared. So much for equality. Liberty, where are you?
The only thing indecent about the whole “wardrobe malfunction” was the silver star that Jackson wore to cover her nipple. It was like a scene from a bad ’70’s porno film, where she was an undercover deputy and he was looking for her badge. They took the safe way out and let us all down. The nipple is the best part of the breast. It’s the peak. It’s the pinnacle. It’s the crowd pleaser. It’s the cherry on top. How could they leave it out?
Although this is only a small victory for those of us who would like to see equal treatment of all breasts, we cannot lose sight of our goals. If their owners want them free, then no breast should be suppressed. For now, we can only savor this small victory like a fresh, warm glass of milk.
Contact Jeremy Madden at madden@maddenamerica.com.
