The other signs of Low T

by Jeremy Madden, Aspen Daily News Columnist
Author’s warning: The following column contains adult subject matter of a graphic nature.

As a founding father of the Carbondale Men’s Club I am always keen to conduct confabs on the latest trends affecting men’s health. From spandex to short ribs we have covered every subject under the waistline. But despite the diversity of discussion over the last few years nothing has dominated the dialogue more than low T.

Also known as low testosterone, low T is a condition that cuts to the core of what it means to be a man and its symptoms should be taken seriously. Without testosterone we men are not the wonderful, amazing, creative, caring creatures that were created in God’s image so long ago. Having low T can cut quality of life for us, as well as our partners, and it can even shorten life expectancy. But perhaps more importantly, we men might not be getting the complete story on low T and how it truly affects our lives.

Through an aggressive advertising campaign that was made to market solutions for a shortage of testosterone, we have been told how to look for the signs of low T. Often in these ads we are asked an assortment of extremely personal questions and the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers will tell us whether or not we have low T. My favorite is the series that goes something like this, “If you are no longer able to… then you could be suffering from low T.”

 According to the questions, signs of low T could include: a lower libido, erectile dysfunction (also known as ED), inability to achieve an orgasm, a sharp drop in semen, shrinking and softening of testicles, increased irritability, mood swings, fatigue, abnormal laziness, an increase in body fat, reduced muscle mass and a condition commonly called “numb junk,” also known as “NJ,” which is not to be confused with the state of New Jersey.

Unfortunately, those are only some of the symptoms associated with low T. There are also several other signs of low T that the ads fail to mention. Why that is I don’t know. Perhaps there isn’t time or space left to name all the other signs of low T because of the long list of side effects that accompany its treatment. Then again, maybe the folks making the advertisements aren’t as aware of what makes men men as we are at the Carbondale Men’s Club.

After hours and hours of exhausting debate and discussion, we at the club came up with our own list of questions that could help folks figure out if a man is suffering from low T. And like underwear that’s too tight, we kept it brief.

• Do your thumbs not dance as adroitly and dexterous around the clicker as they once did? Do you often find yourself actually watching commercials? If your remote control skills aren’t quite what they used to be, you could be suffering from low T.

• Do you remain seated, subdued and inside at a barbecue while flesh is being fired on the grill outside? Are you listless and lacking curiosity when your neighbor is working on his car engine and all you can hear is the clang of tools, periodically pierced by the professing of profanities, when such a sound once called to you like the sweet song of the sirens? If you are no longer attracted to stuff that burns under metal hoods, you could be suffering from low T.

• Have you started stocking your man cave with supplies like scissors and boughs, rather than stuff like snacks and beer? Did you swap your recliners and TV trays for glue guns and dried flowers? If you are turning your man cave into a craft cave you could be suffering from low T.

• When leaving the restroom do you look over your shoulder to double check that you put the seat down, even though you only used the urinal? Have you been having the uncontrollable urge to sit or squat when not atop a stormy sea or in a bathroom with an extremely low ceiling? If you use toilet paper every time you relieve yourself you could be suffering from low T.

• Do you no longer carry maps in your car? Do you trust your GPS, and is it programmed with a feminine voice? If you somehow still get lost and are all too eager to ask directions from some stranger on the street you could be suffering from low T.

Those are the other signs of low T. If you start to see any of them contact your doctor immediately. We men are depending on it.

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