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Tipping has always baffled me.

I mean, how much is enough? How much is too much? How much is too little? Do you tip based on performance, or do you tip just because?

Eating out is usually where we tip in Aspen the most, and I’ve run into just about every scenario you can run into. And, having lived here for more than 30 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that around 20 percent has become a normal tip in Aspen. Still, I have friends who tip way over that, and I have friends who get out a calculator and tip exactly 15 percent to the penny. Seems 15 percent is the norm everywhere else but here.

So, what do you tip: 15 percent or 20 percent? I don’t know. According to a tipping guide I found on the Internet, this is the range you should be tipping in. So, do you tip 15 percent for lousy service and 20 percent for great service? Doesn’t seem fair to me. And many of Aspen’s waiters and waitresses will definitely let you know if you tip too little.

I’ve heard more than one story about waiters chasing down customers in the street for a tip, and I even saw one owner chase a customer out the door who didn’t leave a tip for a carry-out order. After a lengthy tongue lashing by the owner right in front of everyone, and a response by the customer that she usually doesn’t tip for carry out, the owner shamed the owner into coughing up a tip. When the customer said she would take the tip to whoever prepared the order, the owner stopped her and said he would make sure she gets it. He then put the cash in his pocket and who knows where it went?

I left a $100 bill for a meal that cost about $50 and never saw the waiter again. When I finally found him, he told me that when the money is under the receipt that means I get no change, and when the money is on top of the receipt I want change. After questioning numerous waiters about this, nobody would back up this waiter.

My tipping guide also claims you should tip based on the entire bill. I was always told to subtract the tax and scrutinize the bar tab. After all, if I order a beer, do I tip the same as if I order a shot of some esoteric brandy that costs $1,000 a shot? $200 for pouring a drink? I don’t think so.

This guide says that at the airport, you should tip $1 above the normal fee for every heavy bag. What’s the normal fee? Many of these workers don’t even get a salary. The tip is their salary.

Another tipping guide I have also says to tip $1 a bag, but some of my friends tell me $10 a bag is appropriate. So what is it? If I only tip $1 a bag, will my bags get a better vacation than I?

Do I tip the flight attendant? If not, why not? Do I tip the pilot? If not, why not? After all, I tipped the cab driver to get to the airport, so why not tip the pilot for getting me to Cleveland?

On our trip to Belize we were told that we over-tipped like crazy, and were spoiling the experience for everybody else. “If you keep tipping like that, pretty soon Belize will cost the same as Aspen,” we were told.

And the government plays right into this. They allow restaurants to pay food servers almost nothing, and they are expected to make up the difference in tips. And when it comes time to pay taxes the IRS also assumes all food servers and bartenders earn 15 percent to 20 percent more than the bill.

There is also the thing about not tipping the owner. Well, since many places pool their tips, not tipping the owner hurts everybody else who works there. What to do, what to do? And how do we know who the owner is?

Personally, I think it’s time to completely do away with tips. Since many people in Aspen tip 20 percent anyway, just add 20 percent to your prices and we’ll pay that. Why make us go through the guilt and anxiety of deciding how much to tip?

Will the waitress remember me when I come back? Will she spit in my food if I don’t tip enough? Maybe.

And speaking of health, will we all live longer if we don’t have to worry about tipping anymore? I think that’s a good possibility.

Finally, I have to give a slap on the wrist to restaurants that do include the tip, but put that information in writing so small you can’t even see it with a magnifying glass. Then you tip on top of that and nobody says a word.

And I thought my Jewish mother knew how to lay a guilt trip on you.

Sheldon Fingerman welcomes your comments at sheldon@sopris.net.