According to my bus schedule, it is now officially off-season. I am ready to hibernate - in an abbreviated fashion - like a bear, popping back out of my den inbetween B2 and B3 when there is enough snow to ski back into town.
The old noggin has been spinning with activity over these last few weeks. I had a visit back home to Portland, followed by a layover in Denver for a few days where I witnessed some of the Democratic National Convention before coming home to celebrate the Day of (no) Labor, which actually lasts for five days, and included Widespread Panic.
Portland and Denver. On the surface, they seem so simpatico. Both growing Western cities, both politically progressive, both home to outdoorsy types and set amongst gorgeous mountains. Should be a no brainier that they get along, right?
Wrong.
I discovered this for the first time many years ago, sitting in a Portland airport bar. I was waiting for my return flight at the end of an Oregon trip shortly after I had first moved to Colorado (I was living in Boulder at the time). Week one of the NFL was on the TV, and the Broncos were getting it handed to them by the Miami Dolphins. I noticed that nearly everyone in the bar wasn't cheering for the Dolphins to win as much as they were cheering for the Broncos to lose.
Brief disclosure: I had actually grown up a John Elway fan, since Portland had no NFL team, and the Seahawks never quite satisfied my appetite for teams that don't blow orca whale. Sorry Seattle, just being real with ya.
"So why, exactly, does everyone have to hate on the Broncos so hard?" I ask the bartender.
His facial expression communicates that I have asked an obviously dumb question.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously," I say.
"Denver? Colorado?? John Elway???" he says, the tone in his voice elevating with each indignant word.
And so it was all laid bare. Three things I had thought good were anything but, and in fact should be detested, I was being told - presumably by a fellow Oregonian.
Maybe he was on to something. As I have pointed out in this space before, there's not a whole lot of cross-pollination going on between Oregon and Colorado. Natives of both states seem to be perfectly happy where they are. And besides, it's the subtle differences that matter.
There's only one way to settle this, so in the time-honored "Where's Wacko?" tradition of a cage match, I bring you (queue vaguely porno-sounding name): "Denver vs. Portland: Who's Roses Are a Mile High Now?"
Let's start with the obvious: Politics. Denver may think it is all progressive, but I got news for ya. Every would-be progressive town is playing catch-up with Portland. This is a place where 75,000 turned out to a city park on a random afternoon in the middle of the primary campaign to see Obama. Portland don't need no stinking Mile High Stadium or DNC. This is also a place that started building light rail in the '80s and passed the nation's first urban growth boundary in the '70s. Plus, the Portland suburbs didn't elect Tom Tancredo to congress. Advantage: Portland.
Nightlife: This is always a strong category for Denver. I once heard that Denver has more bars per capita than any other major city, and I believe it. The only problem is that most of the bars, particularly in the LoDo area, are frat-tastic douche havens with little character. But the bars are plentiful and rowdy, and the drinks are cheap. Portland nightlife is a little more laid back, with many more fun bars tucked away in the neighborhoods. The bars also seem to have a little more character. One quasi-goth place offers a burlesque show every Sunday featuring contortionists and fire strippers. Unfortunately - and this might come as a surprise to some - Portland bars all still allow smoking, which doesn't usually work out well for me. Advantage: It's a draw.
Outdoors: A common misconception among people not familiar with the city, is that Denver has it going on as far as the outdoors. This is not so. Denver is a flat-as-a-pancake concrete jungle that happens to back up against the great outdoors. To the east, Denver is bordered by Kansas. The west hills of Portland, on the other hand, are home to the nation's largest urban forest, a 5,100-acre masterpiece called Forest Park, which happens to be adjacent to some of its hippest neighborhoods. Year-round snow-capped peaks of the Cascades are to the east and the Oregon Coast is to the west. While the year-round sun of Colorado make the state competitive, its still advantage: Portland.
Attitude: An incredible study in contrasts was going from laid-back, hippy dippy Portland to Denver on day one of the DNC. The city was an absolute madhouse, with nasty traffic and a population that seemed on edge. And why wouldn't they be? Oregonians in general seem more funky and down to earth then all of us adrenaline chasers in Colorado. Advantage: Portland.
X Factor: This is where the intangibles come into play. One of the biggest knocks on Portland is that it can be a little boring. Not much going on, no pro sports other than basketball and, frequently passed over for our bigger cousin to the north, Seattle. Denver has none of these issues, being the social/political/industrial capital of the Rocky Mountains that it is. Because of this, there is more of an anything-can-happen vibe in Denver. It was an absolute street carnival during the DNC, with people hawking everything from giant foam Obama hands - "Yes We Can, Buy A Hand!" - to propaganda about a national bullet train system. Advantage: Denver.
According to the results of the cage match, Portland has the slight edge. But if there's anything we have all learned, it's that we are often distrustful of what's closest to us. This shouldn't be. We have much to learn from each other. Denver could learn a few things about chilling the F out and Portland could learn turn it up a notch from time to time. But I think my main point is clear: Both cities are way cooler than Texas.
Where's Wacko knows the Raiders are going down on Monday. Go John Elway, err, Jay Cutler. All hate mail from Texas, Oakland, Denver, Seattle or anywhere else Where's Wacko? might have offended can be directed to curtis@aspendailynews.com.
