Incoherent man apparently talking about CrossFit workout

by Andre Sieg Heil, Aspen Daily News Staff Writer

In what first appeared to be a stroke or a psychotic break, local man Dave Cocket was apparently talking about his morning CrossFit workout within earshot of everyone at Peachy’s Corner Cafe earlier today.

Several witnesses reported Cocket proudly stringing words and numbers together in a chronology that defied logic and grammar, after ordering his quinoa breakfast bowl and coconut water.

“In the box I did 220 on 13 point 2,” Cocket reportedly told anyone who would listen. “That’s seven plus 10 with 115 and 24 inches.”

Standersby asked him if he was all right, offering to call an ambulance.

“The wod was cray and I pee-beed on amraps, dudes,” he responded to the horror of many. “Double unders and tabatas and emoms and burpees, bro, woot!”

A crowd of concerned diners circled around Cocket, attempting to assist him, but the attention seemed only to increase the intensity of his nonsensical monologue and chest-pounding.

“Totally RX’d when Billy scaled on muscle-ups,” he barked into his Bluetooth, watching himself in the reflection of the cafe window.

“Are you OK, sir?” his concerned waitress asked, right before her announcement that she is running for mayor of Aspen.

He appeared to snap out of his mumbling stupor, but then responded, “Ya, I’m paleo.”

First responders and well-known douche bags on the scene diagnosed him as a CrossFitter and spoke to him in his native tongue. They administered several daps and props to Cocket before leaving the coffee shop.

Sources from Facebook told the Daily Planet that Cocket had also taken to posting unfunny memes and videos about CrossFit in recent weeks, along with endorsing Adam Frisch for mayor.

This article is an Aspen Daily News April Fools’ edition report, and is in no way factual or intended to represent any real person, agency or entity.