Editor's note: This story originally ran as part of the Aspen Daily News' 2019 April Fools edition. It is purely satirical and all references to real life people and businesses are fabricated.
Popular Aspen Mountain restaurant Bonnie’s will serve up more than its famous white bean chili and strudel next season, owner Swisstine Winefelder said recently.
“We are partnering with the Sky Hotel’s spa to provide anti-aging facials as well as Botox applications at high altitude,” according to a press release that was jointly authored by Aspen Ski Corporation.
“If Bonnie’s wants to stay current, relevant and independent, it needs to up the ante,” said Jacques “Freewheelin” Brendlingen, Ski Corp. spokesman.
He said that current demographics of the ski industry indicate the need for more skin care and age-reduction products enjoyed in a desirable setting and at high altitude. By next season, a luxury spa will be installed in the lower level of Bonnie’s in the site of an existing employee apartment, said Brendlingen.
“Although botulininum toxin may be considered life-threatening, in small doses such as those used in the application of Botox, it can occasionally be safe,” according to the Centers for Disease Control in Boring, Indiana.
The CDC warning that was directed especially to the Bonnie’s announcement included the following: “Don’t take if you are allergic to penicillin, peanuts or commitment. Stay away in you hope to fly transcontinentally or get laid in the next 48 hours. Common side effects include: sleepiness, dizziness, nausea and incessant whining. Injections can be possibly fatal to chronic narcissists.”