Dear fellow upright apes:

I write in full-throated support of building a tramway from Lift A1 to Electric Pass and over to the Bells, so as to alleviate the hordes of slack-jawed flat-landers packing the shuttles to and from Highlands.

The teeming masses, rather than being packed into metallic squares like small fish, could stand some fresh air. Granted, there isn’t much of that atop Electric Pass, but selling oxygen up there will show how capitalism truly breathes life into America. If that ain’t the true red (cell) blooded US-of-A, then we should go back to hunting and eating bald eagles.

At a tad over $6 billion, the outlay of A1-EP transit may sound prohibitive, even with the cash registers inhaling all the O2 sales. But there are ways to cover the costs of covering the terrain with comely steel towers and burly cables. Allot a certain number of gondolas as luxury cars, with heated walls, $10-a-minute GPS tracking so you can see where you are on the five-hour ascent, an outside rack for skis, boards or annoying crotch fruit, a cassette boombox, organic vodka bar, free Pac-Man and all the other lavish accoutrements the moneyed classes relish.

Once they have had their fill of gawking at the Bells and the lake, more money could be had on the way down. “Get ’em comin’ and goin’!” was daddy’s sage counsel. So why not offer our valued rubes scores of ways to get back down to Highlands?! Rent rollerblades, skateboards, bobsleds, those ­giant inflatable bubbles, whathaveyou — and some helmets and pads; line the sides of Maroon Creek Road with those bowling alley bumpers they use so toddlers and unathletic kids don’t feel bad; and let them have at it! Let the lawyers sort out the liability issues.

Anyway, I have many, many ideas, schemes and suggestions for Fat City, so please drop by. Literally.

Morrie McMaster

Smuggler Mine (third left, second drop)